crazy beautiful

 Writing this to you 10-15 minutes before company arrives. I am wearing a shirt that is clearly stained with wiped off baby spit-up, the house is for sure not clean, and I just quickly brushed my teeth so I wouldn't stink. Kind of company any way... we hired Wesley to come once a week for 4 hours as kind of a mother's helper, but our social butterfly Jo convinced me to use one of those hours this week to have Angela stay and do a mini playdate with his sister Skyla. That girl suckers me into too much. but to be fair, she does ask for about 100 things a day, so she is pretty likely to get at least 1 yes, right? 

anyway, it has been a HARD week. I just wanted to quickly document it so we can look back and...laugh? or maybe cry? or just remember how we soldiered through such a difficult season as teammates and feel proud of us. 

this morning, you made plans to get a bunch of busy work done while I made plans to take the kids to mom's group. last minute, mom's group got cancelled so we were home and you were running around. you wanted to go to our Alika house to get a paint sample so you could get the right color of paint and have everything all dropped off and ready for my dad because he is coming to stay at our house this weekend and is helping you repaint the ceiling so we can get it re-rented out. but you told me last week to make sure to send the keys home with my mom so my dad could get in. i sent all the keys with her, not just one so you couldn't get in. 

Wrote all the above on August 17th... came back to it today on Halloween, October 31. Perfect example of this crazy season of life. 

Today, you told me you wanted to be more intentional about having deep conversations with me and prompted me with "If you were to write a love letter to me, what would the first 2 lines be?" so I came into here to start writing you a love note, naturally ;) and found this note from August barely even started hahaha. so here we go with a new note...

Jesus, I love our crazy, beautiful, exciting life together. I love how full it is with joy, laughter, hugs, good food, snuggles, babies who loves us so much it can feel overwhelming, family, learning, pursuing dreams, and pursuing each other. I love that we can look up in the middle of multiple storms and still find each other and be full of love for each other. I love that we have known each other for almost longer than we haven't known each other and that all of my adult life has been spent by your side. I love that we started dating so young and had children so young and get to grow up together and experience all that life has to offer together. You are my best friend and I would love nothing more than to spend most of every day for the rest of my life by your side. Even our fights are mostly about me just wanting more time and connection with you ;) we have had a few doozies lately, but honestly I don't think there is a couple who wouldn't struggle working through this season. You are going through more than I could ever imagine and you are still working hard to set aside your hard to give your best to your family. I know it isn't fair that you serve your family all day and your job and kids consume you and then you have so little left to give me at the end of the day. and you have to choose between me and taking even a little time for yourself. I think we will look back in a few years and just be amazed at all we had on our shoulders and how well we actually handled it. i am so proud of us. but also, i can't wait to be on the other side of this difficult season (3 under 5 while homeschooling 2nd and 4th grade, the trial, etc.). i wish i had an hour to sit here and wax eloquent about all the ways I love you and all the different things you are doing right now that i am so proud of you for- like the new golf tech you're investing in!- but i have to get dinner on the table so i can take our sweet babes out trick or treating and then we have some plans tonight so i probably won't finish it today and who knows when i would get back to it hahaha. but i am putting it on my calendar to write you a love note every year on our anniversary and on sexy Christmas- and if it on the calendar, it will get done ;) so for now, i am so proud of us. thank you for being my team mate in this crazy beautiful season of life. and i love you. i love you. i love you! 

2 years without a love note oooops

 Hi handsome!  I started talking about writing Ezekiel's 2 year blog post and you were asking if I wrote notes to you too and I was like, "oooops..." well here we are 2 years after the last love note I wrote you, which was right before Ezekiel was born. We now have a 4th child too hahaha. Life just hasn't slowed down the past few years. Ezekiel was a WILD child- climbing everywhere and getting into everything. We had to gate our yard, childproof our refrigerator and fireplace, take away all the dining room chairs, etc. when we never had to do any of that for the girls. And as soon as he started to slow down even a little, the Lord literally dropped an adoption in our laps. What a story that is- and what a privilege and honor to get to walk that story alongside you! Anyway, all that to say that this love note is LONG overdue! Oh yeah...we also went through a worldwide "pandemic" last year so that was crazy too. So glad I didn't have to "social distance" or quarantine from you- in fact, we got to be mighty cozy and actually enjoyed a little extra family time Spring 2020 as classes were all cancelled during what is normally your busiest season. You have recently gotten really into disc golfing- like have several baskets in our back yard, dye your own discs, are trying to get a legit course set up on our property, want to spend all your free time playing, entering tournaments type of into it... it has been fun to see! You have really been getting in shape which is also fun to watch. Parenthood can take all of your time if you let it and you have been doing such a good job finding balance. Golf took too much time, painting figurines was too time consuming in the evenings, rubix cube got boring, disc golf it is! and i am here for it. The 3 big kids all spent the night at Grandma Sandee's last week (Zeke's first time!) and we actually got a night "off" with just Eleanor and we went disc golfing together and it was so fun to go walking in the sunshine and dive into some deeper conversations. We sure needed the time to chat as our last "getaway" was taken up by the birth of Eleanor haha but amazing to see the Lord's provision as that was literally the best timing for her! We chatted about passive income and the disc golf course and our new house plans. Gosh our new house plans... we still haven't even broken ground on it and it has been a literal thorn in my side, but I think the Lord used it to position us right where we needed to be for sweet Ellie to drop in our laps. But I am so excited to see it all start to move forward. We have been homeschooling for 2 years now and it has been a journey- I am excited for Junie to start kindergarten next year too and to maybe make it a little more formal than what we have going on right now which is basically nothing but survival mode ha. What a journey these past 2 years have been. In this season, we wake at 7 to hungry kids and chores. You typically start responding to emails from your phone before we have even had coffee... (side note on coffee, you bought me an actual coffee maker with all the plastic to make this season slightly less chaotic and it was amazing for 3 months until I dropped it and glass went everywhere ha) You are working a ton and even before Spring golf stuff started, you were working on Global Gap stuff like crazy! I have been trying to make food and keep a clean house and manage social events and homeschool and going crazy basically. It has been a lot. A lot of days, you get home to a disaster, a cranky wife, and needy kids. By the time we get the 3 bigs to bed, it is about 8pm and then we still have so much cleaning to do that we end up calling it a night at 9 and I wake up to a mess and it starts all over again. Ellie's sleep schedule has been wonky too- for her first 6 weeks, she literally wouldn't sleep unless she was being held and you were staying up til 2 every night with her and then we would switch. And now she actually sleeps at night, but stays up til 10:30ish so we never have real relaxing time... it is totally a season and I know we will miss the sweet baby gurgles and snuggles, but sheeesh I think we are both so ready to be out of the baby season! We are 98% sure we are done having kids and are starting to talk vasectomy and getting rid of pregnancy/baby stuff. It feels good. It also feels sad. I love our life and our babies so much and am so thankful for all the seasons we have been through and it is hard to close that door. This summer, we are looking forward to spending time at Hagg Lake, bbqs in our beautiful back yard, disc golf, and gardening with friends! we just started attending church in person again and we are excited about that! We have a family wedding in SoCal in August and are super excited about that trip as well. And perhaps planning for a trip to Cancun in the Fall for another wedding... maybe. depending on covid restrictions. I refuse to make my 2 year old wear a mask on a plane for hours and risk getting kicked off.  You and I have had more fights this past year about the virus and conspiracy theories and guns and being prepared vs being scared than I think we have ever fought before. It was odd to feel like we weren't on the same side politically...I think as things calm down, we are meshing again, but it got heated for a bit there. Maybe someday, we will have the capacity to dive deep into those feelings, but certainly not for a while ;) I am praying for a long, peaceful life for us- I am praying that the mandatory vaccinations and vaccine passports that are looming in the future disappear entirely and we don't have to worry about our kids fertility. that 5g wouldn't effect our home. that fires and government controlled weather doesn't destroy the area that we live in. Times feel scary still and the future unknown. I am so thankful I get to walk forward hand in hand with you! My protector. My hard worker. My lover. My friend. I respect you so much and trust you with my whole heart and life. I am so thankful you are my husband and best friend and that you show up every day giving your whole self to our family. You are such a good man. You are kind and patient and fun. You are sexy and you please me so well. You are tender and sweet. You are an amazing father. I am the luckiest girl to have you and I pray that I never take it for granted. and I pray that you feel as lucky as I do to be with me and that I would show up to serve you every day with a smile on my face- I sure try, but I know I fail a lot. Please know I am going to keep showing up every day because you are my everything. I love you!! 

life is kinda stressful- glad to have you by my side through it all.

Alright- I wanted to write one more love note to you before baby #3 gets here and rocks our world. I am so excited to watch you become a dad for the third time. and to a baby BOY this time! I am so happy you get your boy <3 We have really struggled picking out a name for this little guy... pretty sure we are settled on Ezekiel Adrian Espididion Gonzalez... but I feel a little sorry for the kid ;) This pregnancy has been different for sure. With Jo, it was just us. so many "last" dates and time to soak each other up before baby. And with June, Johanna was still so little and went to bed by 6:30 so we had every evening to eat dinner together by the TV, etc. etc. but this time around, our kids don't go to bed til 7:30/8 and they're waking us up by 6:30 at the latest plus sometimes multiple times a night. Our days revolve around working and trying to just keep up with life with a 3 year old and a 5 year old. We are exhausted by the end of the day! and we have really discovered we don't have super similar interests...it has been hard! you want to play your video games. and I would rather relax by the tv while doing something a little productive ;) and the lack of a sex life this time around has been really hard on us. I am not sure if I want to just forget it or never forget it...but you said something about how you weren't sure you even wanted a 4th kid because this pregnancy has been so blah compared to the last year and how good I looked last year and how it will be years before I look that good again if we have another... hahah. yikes! anyway, I am huge...gained like 35 lbs and none of my pregnancy clothes even fit. I am wearing XL granny panties that I cut the seams on. and my shirts ride up and show off my belly. and I am mostly in pajama pants at home. so sexy I know. and here we are at 37 + 2 and we still have such a to-do list... like I am stressed! I really really want a week to just relax as a family before baby, but I don't think we will get there. my current list just for tomorrow: finish thank you notes, do the girls nails, make spinach soup, laundry, get the infant carseat installed, make meatballs for the freezer, make more bath bombs for kids, finish all blogs (June, Jo, a first one for baby), walk the dog, make a perineal spray. and that is while you are at work while I'm home alone with our 2 girls who fight constantly and never stop asking me to play with them...so pretty sure I will only get 1/3 done. we still need to finish the final nursery set-up (getting foam on the ceiling), clean the outside well in prep for spring, get all the work your parents left us when they left for MX done, set up credit card auto pay, clean out all your crap from the garage, get so much sold on ebay/craigslist, get the dog kennel set up, and figure out what in the actual heck is going on with our house plans... trailer should be moving next week, but we don't even have solid plans to move forward. I am dying inside. that has been SO SO hard on me. I just want to move. we have been here over 4 years and it is not a good place to have a 3rd baby. we have no extra bedroom and I am terrified of sharing a room with baby boy. it has literally been the most stressful thing ever in my life I think. maybe because I have so little control over it. even when you and I agree on a general plan, we can't seem to nail anything down and we just go back and forth 8 million times. and then you are the one kind of in control and everything takes way longer than expected. anyway. I PRAY that next year, we will be in our new house, fully in our new normal of a family of 5, homeschooling successfully and just happy as can be! so many huge changes for our family this year and so much transition. and I am so thankful I get to do it with you! I wouldn't want to do life with anyone else <3 xoxoxoxo. here is to 8 weeks from now when I don't look like a whale and we can actually start having decent sex again and hopefully we are through the hardest part of the transition- I've heard 2 to 3 kids is kind of a doozy ;) LOVE YOU

Hood River getaway!

Almost forgot to quickly write about our little Hood River getaway! We went to Hood River for 2 nights just us and it was magical. We stayed at a little Air B'n'B for the first time and it was pretty ok- the lady was a little strange- I think lonely and chatty.. and she was so rude to her teenage daughter =/ she rented out rooms all the time, but every weekend, she would rent out the entire house and move her daughter and her into a little RV out in the driveway... I mean yikes! and she was totally sleeping in an office- so tiny...just so she could rent out more rooms. but you gotta do what you gotta do I guess? but our room was private and quiet, we got to use the hot tub, the breakfast was good and the 2nd morning we enjoyed the company of the other couple staying there! We went hiking and it was so special! I love to hike- especially with you! We got to see (I think) 4 waterfalls! The first one was literally a 1 minute walk and it was pretty, but nothing special. we read about a bunch of families who got stranded in a train during a huge snow storm. then the second waterfall was amazing. there were some little cliffs up at the top we were able to climb up and get behind the waterfall a little! my imagination was going crazy with how fun it would be to live in those caves. the sound of the waterfall always. mmm and below the waterfall, enough water to be a perfect pool. just beautiful and serene. the 3rd waterfall was really nice, but nothing too special. the 4th waterfall was MAGIC. We were completely alone and so we made the most of the perfect opportunity ;) ;) and it was so fun! we could also get up behind that waterfall and touch it- so amazing! I can't wait to go back and take the kids with us. I think it would be really hard to get strollers up to the 4th waterfall, but the other 3 no problem- so so fun! ok then there was a 5th waterfall somewhere, but it wasn't showing on the map but you went for it. we could hear it, but were clearly too high up. you insisted we were on the right track and I kept saying this isn't a path...so many spider webs, etc. just spelling out that no one had hiked it forever... and then we came to a clear end with blackberry bushes and no way through hahahah and a ton of bones. but you went over anyway. we never made it to the waterfall, but had a snack at the top of a gorgeous mountain overlooking so much beauty. it was so fun!! thanks for planning that all out for me <3 <3 and we ate so much good food. I fell in love with this little health food café and got a free healthy shot! you had lots of good beer. we walked down to the brewery which was probably a little far, but fun! I was pregnant...can't remember how far along, but not terribly and couldn't drink boooo. can't wait to go on another getaway with you where we can drink together <3 we sat in the hot tub in the rain that night! and the lady made us oatmeal one morning and omelets the other and great coffee. we found some amazing parks that we really wanted to bring the girls back to- we need to go again as soon as the berry season winds down this year!! what else? you ate your first acai bowl- yummmmm! I took a nice bath the second night. we watched some of our show...can't remember what we were watching! and we played lots of games- went to a coffee shop and played and played at the house too. anyway, it was really special to get to slow down and take a few nights away with you! you are my absolute best friend and I am so thankful for the times we get to reconnect. Sometimes in the busy, we totally feel like partners in life- just working together. but I swear every single time we get away just us two it is like we are just best friends crazy in love again. I miss that when we are doing all the busy of life- bathing babies, wiping butts, cleaning plates, cooking, laundry, walking dogs, etc. etc. but this is such a beautiful season we are in and I am so thankful to get to do it with you! you are THE best daddy and are such a huge support to me. I literally don't think I could raise these babies without you- you are so so good to us! anyway, I love that we are being intentional about getaways and especially that we got to go on so many this year when we had no baby nursing! I am a little bummed that baby #3 is coming (in like less than 3 weeks!!!) and we will be pretty limited on getaways for a while, but I REALLY enjoyed all our one-on-one time this year! thanks for loving me so well handsome <3 <3 <3 I love you more than you know! xoxoxo

Babymooooooning!

We are back at the penny-pinching as we get ready to build on our property, so we decided to do a one-night babymoon and make sure to leave earlier in the day and then not get home til later the next day and it was awesome! Sometimes i think staying the second night makes the one full day we have a little boring and we tend to just go on our phones, etc. but this time we were so intentional <3 of course, I feel like all of our trips have had something go wrong lately- like we have had to kind of fight to make them happen. This time, it was a  whole bunch of snow. we had to leave a little later than we had hoped because we were nervous driving and your mom was encouraging us to wait a week (when the cousins would be spending the night- ya right! That is another vacation in and of itself!) We stopped by the golfito and mulled over remodeling the labor camp and living there someday HAHA we are kind of ridiculous to even consider these types of things. Then we stopped to get gas and were on our way. We stopped in McMinnville and took a pic in front of the Grand Ballroom. And then we found some adorable little restaurant and shared an amazing salad and sandwich and a piece of pie. And played cards before the food came! I felt pretty bad because i had a nasty cough and was hacking pretty good- haha that was another thing that almost made our trip not happen. We worked hard not to get sick this year but i ran out of ningxia and pretty quick got hit with a nasty nasty cold. Anyway, then we drove off to depoe bay but stopped by a goodwill and the outlets first. You found some cool giant hula-hoop things you were excited about for the first tee and i spent a good amount of time at Carters and Gymboree looking for baby boy clothes and deals for size 6/7 for Johanna. I was specifically looking for a newborn outfit, but after buying one we decided it would be better to just do naked/wrapped in a swaddle blanket for baby boy and returned it haha. I did find some adorable matchy matchy dresses for the girls at Gymboree that we can use for the newborn photos and hopefully Christmas <3 You sat in your car and let me shop haha. Then we made our way to the little downtown and thought maybe we saw a pod of whales swimming by, but i am pretty sure i was just really hoping! But there were quite a few little white spouts of water- maybe fish? You tried some smoked salmon you raved about and we found a little restaurant that overlooked the water and you got a beer and we played a game! Then off to dinner at a little thai place and we were the only ones there for a long time. The waiter was mr. chatty and he was all talking about how he is an entrepreneur and owns several businesses and his wife runs the restaurant on the weekends but he does during the week. And his wife and her best friend wanted to open the restaurant and he agreed to finance it as long as he was 100% owner and got to make all the decisions without waiting on a consensus. You were getting so annoyed at him hahaha.  Finally got checked in and it was such an incredible view from our hotel room! But wow so cold. So we watched the sunset from our room and set up Orleans (Or-leons?) and you taught me- it was actually pretty fun. I have a hard time committing to learning new games because they take so long to learn, but this was perfect because there was nothing else to distract :) i left the windows slightly open so we could hear the ocean waves. We went hot tubbing- there was one other couple in the hot tub and it was clearly too small for all 4 of us so when we got in they pretty much had to get out hahah. and i ate ice like no one’s business (pregnancy cravings)! We slept pretty great and i even slept in til 7. Got up and took a bath and listened to a podcast to try to let you sleep in. then we made our hotel room coffee and looked over the ocean! We went for a little walk down to the hotel access beach and grabbed a few rocks for our girlies. And then we went out for breakfast. We totally talked a lot about maybe using the other trailer and letting your sister build on our property because she was more ready than us… now here we are a few weeks later maybe keeping our trailer on our own property hahaha why is it so hard to know what to do?! We left pretty quickly back to the outlets to return the clothes and then back to McMinnville! You and your siblings gifted your parents 2 nights at a hotel and they couldn’t make the date and we were trying to bump it up but your mom was watching the girls and it got stressful for a minute thinking we would have to rush home and miss our 2nd day. But your brother offered to take the girls! So we thought about getting ice cream and both workers were just staring at me so i felt so uncomfortable. Eventually i got a hazelnut milk mocha and it was amazing. And you got a beer at McMenamins and we played Orleans again! And shared some tater tots. And another beer. It was so fun to just enjoy each other. We kept commenting how much fun we were having and how much we enjoy each other’s company. Wow such a great reminder. I love you so much! And i am sorry that life gets so busy and there are always little humans stressing me out and demanding our attention and that we didn’t get years and years of just each other before entering parenthood. But i wouldn’t change it. Every time i get away with you, i am reminded how much fun i have with you and how much i loved dating you. And it is so good! You are so perfect for me! I think we have another 3-4 years of being “in the thick of it” with pregnancy, newborns, needy/messy toddlers, etc. but there is kind of a hazy light at the end of the tunnel finally- our kids won’t always demand so much and we will have the time to connect this way again even at home, not just on vacations! I am so thankful to do life! I wish we could do this every single month. And i think we agreed if we can do just one night to keep it cheap but get most of the day before and after, we should do this 4ish times a year! We will see how that goes with another newborn coming in 5 weeks. But i guess babies are pretty easy to travel with? Haha yeah… right. Anyway, i sure enjoyed our time getting away and just loving on each other. You are so easy to love. You make me so happy. And i can’t wait to do it again <3 <3 we listened to a murder podcast on the way home and then i went to get the girls and back to our wonderful life. *cheers* to a wonderful babymoon! I think the best one yet <3 <3 <3

my constant!

Jesus- everything in our life is changing! in such big ways. We have a new baby coming in less than 5 weeks, we are STILL in limbo about our trailer and moving, our girls are constantly surprising us with new everything, and we have just had a lot of unknown the past few months, especially with your dad's health and how it might affect your job. It has been hard for me- who hates change! You are so so good with change. You always just roll with the punches and make the best of whatever might come, but I stress about the worst case scenarios for each different outcome and it is honestly exhausting. I am so ready to be done with change. I am ready for this baby to come out of me and feel less tired and get back to a new normal. some sort of a routine. oh yeah- also, Johanna is starting kindergarten this Fall- WHAT?!?! and she turns 5 this week... when did our tiny little girl grow up so much? I feel the mom guilt all the time- I am not spending enough time just investing in them by playing and enjoying them, I am not disciplining enough, I fed them junky food, I snapped at them, etc. etc. Being a mom is so hard. and marriage has been kind of rough the past few months too- just a lot of fighting as we navigate so many changes. I am sorry that I have a hard time adjusting and push back. I am working on it! I know you know. I just want to say THANK YOU for being my calm and steady. my rock. my always there. my always happy. my unconditional love. my constant. you make me shine- you bring out the best in me in every way. you make me feel safe and you help me to focus in the right direction and pour my energies in the right outlets. You have been doing so much growing up the past few months- seriously such a blessing for my weary heart. you are stepping way up into the role of provider and father and husband and doing so much to bless us and prioritize us and it is amazing! you are so valued and seen. I know I don't take enough time to sing your praises and you thrive when you are praised, so I am working on it, but you deserve all the praises for the hard heart work you have done this year! and the way you are supporting your beautiful family. thank you for giving me these beautiful children, a life where you are present vs. always traveling for work, outlets and finances to pursue my dreams, permission to be myself and to take self-care often, and for being such a strong father! Our girls absolutely adore you and I am SO SO thankful! <3 <3 <3 I could not ask for a better husband or father of my children. thank you for all you do for us. I love you and am so excited to tackle these big changes over the next few months/year as long as you are by my side! xoxoxoxo

a very late 6 year anniversary post

well this year, we really don't have many photos of just us...other than from the cruise. I think we may need to work on that a bit! I guess we probably have some from our little Hood River getaway too, but I am so behind on organizing pics that they're not even uploaded yet haha. so as you can glean from this post, life is hectic. our babes are 4 and 2 and a 3rd baby on the way. I feel like this season of life has grown us so much. we are really leaning into the hard parts of parenthood (and I know this stage is easier than teenage years in some ways yada yada), but the disciplining, constant desire for attention, constant mess and chaos, and all the demands of the household with very little help. Mari told me yesterday how she taught Sophie to work the laundry machine and now has laundry for one less person to worry about- wowza won't that be crazy. It all sometimes feels like too much to manage, but we are doing it! And, really, we are doing it well! The bathroom floors might be disgusting and I might be way behind on certain projects, but who cares? Our kiddos know they are adored and we are fighting the good fight to keep our marriage strong, healthy, and priority! Lots of fights this year and lots of deep conversations. A lot of fear moving into baby #3. But I know that we are going to rock this next year and we will look back and say WOW and feel so proud of all we accomplished for our family. Long term, we are going to be so so happy to have our big family and all the grandkiddos and all the love and joy that these relationships will bring <3 I am so excited to continue growing as husband and wife and parents and partners as we welcome bby boy! Excited for our babymoon too ;) Love you so much Jesus! Thank you for ALL you do for our family- the work you do, the time you give me, the patience with our kiddos and the way you play with them like I never could, the trimming the dog nails, the doing the chickens in the rain, the work on our cars, the being so good with my family, the fun you bring to my serious, the encouragement, the prayers, just...everything! You are more than I could ever have dreamed of in a husband and I am so thankful for you and our marriage and family <3

I think these photos do a pretty good job of showing all the fun we are having in this season of life. so busy with family. hardly time for us. but it is so so beautiful and I wouldn't trade a day for anything! Thanks for being my partner in this wonderful life we have together <3 <3